[STOP SAYING NOOO LIKE IT WASN'T YOU WHO DID THIS? WTF
Matsui's voice makes D's head snaps up. This is probably one of the only times he has truly looked genuinely mortified. He stares at Matsui like Matsui is a fucking GHOST.
He mutters something under his breath again that sounds kinda like a prayer? HELP ME, CHRISTIAN D.]
WHY IS D FUCKING CHRISTIAN. Matsui's briefly and very visibly taken aback by this. The way he didn't get a chance to experience his lasting cyoa effect because he had to stay blind, so he doesn't know that they're a thing that happens, really.
He hesitates for a second.]
...I'm sorry. For whatever happened to make you so concerned for me... [RANG JUST OUT HERE YELLING AT HIM FOR LEAVING THEM BEHIND AND THAT'S CURRENTLY ALL HE KNOWS it's fine.] I was here.
Matsui's looking more troubled now, though in that thinly expressive way he tends to have about him. Truly there are so many questions he has and so many things he wants to ask and he wants to see if D is alright, but before anything else, he has to KNOW.]
...I-- I'm sorry, but... Why are you speaking of God?
Matsui's not about to ask any direct questions yet, but he's picking up bits and pieces and trying to do what he can to organize them in his mind. And wow! What he's piecing together sounds, hm, bad.]
Is praying helping you? Does your heart feel more settled...?
[It never really helped him, but he still does it, anyway. Maybe it's like that for D in this moment.]
[YES, the joined little Christian prayer hands. Holding one another in solidarity…]
It helps a little… when it feels darkest. I know He is listening. Maybe I can’t be saved, but He will at least know I regret having to do those things. What I did there, what I did to Rin.
I’ll pray for you, Mr. Matsui… So He will touch you with grace and understanding. Living your memory… I understand now the pain you carry with you.
I ask for God to lift it off your shoulders so you can see the good of what He has created in front of you. The mercy He allowed you to give the people who believed in Him.
[NOT LIKE THIS NOT LIKE THIS NOOOOOOO NOT THEIR CHURCH MATSUI ISN'T EVEN A REAL CATHOLICCC HEEEEELP D IS A BETTER CATHOLIC THAN HE'LL EVER BE.]
You do not need to pray for me... It's my fault that you've been made to bear this burden at all. I'm sorry for you to understand this pain.
[And despite his placid expression, his heart really does ache when he says that.]
If you seek salvation, I hope that you will find it. Even if... your hands are stained, and the weight will never leave, you can wash the blood clean with blood.
[THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE SOMEONE PLEASE STOP HIM.]
God would want us to halve this burden and share it, Mr. Matsui.
[He starts pulling Matsui by the hands. I HATE THIS, he pulls Matsui over to one of the park benches so they may kneel down in front of it. Their pew...]
Let's pray together. [Holding Matsui's hands with his own! THEIR PRAYER HANDS!] We'll ask Him to guide us on the right path.
Unfortunately Matsui is quite comfortable with this so he'll just kneel with D in front of the bench. He still has no idea what's happening here but since he also became religious after Paraiso he's not questioning it too hard yet. Maybe prayer is actually helping him! He will kneel here with their prayer hands and nod.]
Please lead us in whatever prayer your heart feels moved by, then.
[Yeah yeah yeah yeah. It's fine. They are just out here in the park praying. Sometimes you DO get the Christianitis after a traumatic Christian event.
He nods at Matsui, then bows his head slightly and closes his eyes.]
Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen.
[Me activating the sleeper agent in you with my prayer.
D also is quiet after for a moment before he even lifts his head and opens his eyes. He offers Matsui a smile. IT IS UNNERVINGLY AND STRANGELY GENUINE, NOT LIKE THE ENIGMATIC ONE HE ALWAYS GAVE BEFORE.]
Yes. It felt like... perhaps he wasn't there, or perhaps he wasn't listening. But I think now... I understand. There may have been a worse fate for them, much worse than what they already received.
He wanted us to bring them mercy and deliver them to Him. A last resort for the people who believed in Him.
[NOOO HELP NOT THE GENUINE SMILE SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH D. MATSUI JUST OUT HERE ASSUMING IT'S DEEP TRAUMA SO HE'S JUST FEELING BAD FOR D. Maybe he'll get less Catholic with time again... Maybe it'll be fine...
He gives D's paws a gentle squeeze though because even with this coated in so much Catholicism, he doesn't necessarily disagree that death is more merciful than life.]
They had already suffered through a great deal, and death was what awaited them regardless of how it came. Unfortunately, the moment the Shogunate decided to set an example, and the moment enough people decided it would be a potential way to ensure nothing so bloody ever happened again, their fates were set in stone.
[OH I DIDN'T CAPITALIZE MY GODLY PRONOUNS I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL NOW!!!]
I know...
[Humans can die sometimes. Hehe. (He cares about it right now because he's been made holy. Maybe he should be evil Catholicism.]
It was a little too much for the others... Rin and I were with the Shogunate, and Miss Shenhe and Rang were with the rebels. We saw those from home, and we saw some from here.
[DON'T BE EVIL CATHOLICISM. GOES TO HELL WITH YOU AND TAKES D WITH US
Matsui is quiet for a second, closing his eyes again for a brief moment. By now he's scraped together more or less what's happened, but every little scrap of confirmation he gets is an unpleasant one anyway. Thanks he hates it here for himself and also all of them!]
...Yes. That is... what's expected, as far as I am aware. [Based on his own terrible ventures.] I am sorry. I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know that sorry does nothing...
[Apologies do nothing, promises do nothing, everything does nothing! And even though he's exempting himself with his remarks, Matsui is assigning him trauma anyway because he truly just assumes his new religious identity is a trauma response. Fucking help.]
I have already spoken to the others, but if there is anything at all that I can do to help counterbalance this weight...
[He shakes his head a little. They are still here at the bench of penance, holding prayer hands.]
You don't have to worry. I feel better now after returning. As horrible as it is, maybe Rang and Miss Shenhe should have as well. It seems all of the injuries are gone.
[Hehe except for the mental ones. :> YEAH!]
I am sorry I thought so little of you and Buzen, Mr. Matsui. Being the tools of men, I had judged you too soon, and I had not understood until now.
[NOT LIKE THISSSSS HEEEELP. Matsui just looks faintly grim at that. He fucking murdered one of those two. It's fine. Maybe he'll go back and kill the other one too.]
Death is a peaceful sleep, after all.
[NO IT ISN'T BUT NO ONE WILL CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE NOW. The mental wounds remain and death doesn't heal those but at least it allows for everyone to hit the pause button and simply not feel traumatized for a while because they aren't feeling anything at all. Yeah!
Matsui is a little taken aback by the rest of this though. HELLO?? D??? D HELLO. After a second, he just shakes his head.]
...You-- Tools like us stand against what you work for. Your judgment is not unjust. After all, even if we are used to protect and defend, we still do so through spilling blood...
Also unfortunately he does agree with that. He is very much of the opinion that he didn't ask for any of this and he didn't want any of this but now he just kind of has to deal.]
...It is-- frustrating. To be pulled from place to place in life like this.
[Even now, they're bound by the mission to succeed or face an even worse fate, damn humans to something far more horrific than death.]
But I suppose it is like that for us all. No one has full say in what their life looks like.
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Matsui's voice makes D's head snaps up. This is probably one of the only times he has truly looked genuinely mortified. He stares at Matsui like Matsui is a fucking GHOST.
He mutters something under his breath again that sounds kinda like a prayer? HELP ME, CHRISTIAN D.]
...Mr. Matsui.
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ALSO THIS IS TERRIBLE. Matsui feels like a fckin ghost so that's fair enough. Christian D is about to have great company in Catholic Matsui.]
--I'm...
[Here! Solid! Well, technically dead, but that's fine. Dead in a less certain way. He takes a careful step forward.]
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Don't keep him company in the fucking Catholocism!!!!]
...Thank God. I'm so glad His eternal love has kept you safe. We thought you...
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WHY IS D FUCKING CHRISTIAN. Matsui's briefly and very visibly taken aback by this. The way he didn't get a chance to experience his lasting cyoa effect because he had to stay blind, so he doesn't know that they're a thing that happens, really.
He hesitates for a second.]
...I'm sorry. For whatever happened to make you so concerned for me... [RANG JUST OUT HERE YELLING AT HIM FOR LEAVING THEM BEHIND AND THAT'S CURRENTLY ALL HE KNOWS it's fine.] I was here.
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I'm glad. I'm glad you weren't again in a place which God had forsaken. You and Buzen saved us... I thank God for that.
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Matsui's looking more troubled now, though in that thinly expressive way he tends to have about him. Truly there are so many questions he has and so many things he wants to ask and he wants to see if D is alright, but before anything else, he has to KNOW.]
...I-- I'm sorry, but... Why are you speaking of God?
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I've been praying for my salvation. For His forgiveness.
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He reaches out very carefully, gently, for D's hands.]
...What do you need His forgiveness for?
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For… not acting more firmly. For… letting the others stray from our duty. From the timeline.
It’s my fault…
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Matsui's not about to ask any direct questions yet, but he's picking up bits and pieces and trying to do what he can to organize them in his mind. And wow! What he's piecing together sounds, hm, bad.]
Is praying helping you? Does your heart feel more settled...?
[It never really helped him, but he still does it, anyway. Maybe it's like that for D in this moment.]
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It helps a little… when it feels darkest. I know He is listening. Maybe I can’t be saved, but He will at least know I regret having to do those things. What I did there, what I did to Rin.
I’ll pray for you, Mr. Matsui… So He will touch you with grace and understanding. Living your memory… I understand now the pain you carry with you.
I ask for God to lift it off your shoulders so you can see the good of what He has created in front of you. The mercy He allowed you to give the people who believed in Him.
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You do not need to pray for me... It's my fault that you've been made to bear this burden at all. I'm sorry for you to understand this pain.
[And despite his placid expression, his heart really does ache when he says that.]
If you seek salvation, I hope that you will find it. Even if... your hands are stained, and the weight will never leave, you can wash the blood clean with blood.
[THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE SOMEONE PLEASE STOP HIM.]
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God would want us to halve this burden and share it, Mr. Matsui.
[He starts pulling Matsui by the hands. I HATE THIS, he pulls Matsui over to one of the park benches so they may kneel down in front of it. Their pew...]
Let's pray together. [Holding Matsui's hands with his own! THEIR PRAYER HANDS!] We'll ask Him to guide us on the right path.
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BENCH PEW.
FUCKING HELP.
Unfortunately Matsui is quite comfortable with this so he'll just kneel with D in front of the bench. He still has no idea what's happening here but since he also became religious after Paraiso he's not questioning it too hard yet. Maybe prayer is actually helping him! He will kneel here with their prayer hands and nod.]
Please lead us in whatever prayer your heart feels moved by, then.
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He nods at Matsui, then bows his head slightly and closes his eyes.]
Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen.
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Matsui will close his eyes and lower his head as D PRAYS OUT OF HIS CHRISTIANITIS. HELP. O CLEMENT SWEET VIRGIN MARY PRAY FOR US.
He remains silent for a few beats after the prayer ends before lifting his head a little.]
Amen. [AMEN! PARAISO!] ...Has it spoken to your heart?
[Thinking about how Matsui is trying so hard to help D in this moment but he also just straight up told Nahida weeks ago that god wasn't here.]
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D also is quiet after for a moment before he even lifts his head and opens his eyes. He offers Matsui a smile. IT IS UNNERVINGLY AND STRANGELY GENUINE, NOT LIKE THE ENIGMATIC ONE HE ALWAYS GAVE BEFORE.]
Yes. It felt like... perhaps he wasn't there, or perhaps he wasn't listening. But I think now... I understand. There may have been a worse fate for them, much worse than what they already received.
He wanted us to bring them mercy and deliver them to Him. A last resort for the people who believed in Him.
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He gives D's paws a gentle squeeze though because even with this coated in so much Catholicism, he doesn't necessarily disagree that death is more merciful than life.]
They had already suffered through a great deal, and death was what awaited them regardless of how it came. Unfortunately, the moment the Shogunate decided to set an example, and the moment enough people decided it would be a potential way to ensure nothing so bloody ever happened again, their fates were set in stone.
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I know...
[Humans can die sometimes. Hehe. (He cares about it right now because he's been made holy. Maybe he should be evil Catholicism.]
It was a little too much for the others... Rin and I were with the Shogunate, and Miss Shenhe and Rang were with the rebels. We saw those from home, and we saw some from here.
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Matsui is quiet for a second, closing his eyes again for a brief moment. By now he's scraped together more or less what's happened, but every little scrap of confirmation he gets is an unpleasant one anyway. Thanks he hates it here for himself and also all of them!]
...Yes. That is... what's expected, as far as I am aware. [Based on his own terrible ventures.] I am sorry. I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know that sorry does nothing...
[Apologies do nothing, promises do nothing, everything does nothing! And even though he's exempting himself with his remarks, Matsui is assigning him trauma anyway because he truly just assumes his new religious identity is a trauma response. Fucking help.]
I have already spoken to the others, but if there is anything at all that I can do to help counterbalance this weight...
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You don't have to worry. I feel better now after returning. As horrible as it is, maybe Rang and Miss Shenhe should have as well. It seems all of the injuries are gone.
[Hehe except for the mental ones. :> YEAH!]
I am sorry I thought so little of you and Buzen, Mr. Matsui. Being the tools of men, I had judged you too soon, and I had not understood until now.
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Death is a peaceful sleep, after all.
[NO IT ISN'T BUT NO ONE WILL CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE NOW. The mental wounds remain and death doesn't heal those but at least it allows for everyone to hit the pause button and simply not feel traumatized for a while because they aren't feeling anything at all. Yeah!
Matsui is a little taken aback by the rest of this though. HELLO?? D??? D HELLO. After a second, he just shakes his head.]
...You-- Tools like us stand against what you work for. Your judgment is not unjust. After all, even if we are used to protect and defend, we still do so through spilling blood...
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It’s probably fine.]
That is true, but… you were never asked to be made, and you were never asked to be spiritually summoned. Humans did such a thing all on your own.
…Like the animals, you are only doing what it is in your nature to do. Like instincts.
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Also unfortunately he does agree with that. He is very much of the opinion that he didn't ask for any of this and he didn't want any of this but now he just kind of has to deal.]
...It is-- frustrating. To be pulled from place to place in life like this.
[Even now, they're bound by the mission to succeed or face an even worse fate, damn humans to something far more horrific than death.]
But I suppose it is like that for us all. No one has full say in what their life looks like.