hey we're hanging out because of course we are! TWO OF THEM! REUNITED! and as d and fei du are vibing
one of these goddamn pigs shows up! and it shows this! ]
[ you're small - maybe five years old, and you went running around in the garden.
at least, you think that's what happened. this memory is fuzzy and hazy; the man, an enormous black shadow, seems to loom over you and you feel terror clutch at your heart. the man's voice is as soft as silk despite his presence, and he speaks to you from on high.
"Only dogs like to run around and play. Fei Du, are you a little dog?"
you feel a sense of confusion. the man takes your hand and pulls you along - somewhere - somewhere - and then, you remember. there's a puppy. it's tiny, so small it could fit in your tiny, tiny hand. it runs towards you, stumbling and faltering, freshly born, and you gently, hesitantly, hold out your hand. the puppy clumsily reaches, too, standing up on its hind paws and slapping its tiny paws into your hand. it sniffs, snuffles at your cold hand.
you feel warm, and you pet it, gently, with just your fingertip.
the man sighs. his voice, ice cold. "There's unhealthy blood flowing in this child. It must be corrected."
the puppy cries out, a sharp, terrified noise as the man picks it up. and then -
there are cold rings slid onto your fingers. a bundle of threads lead back from the rings and through a complex installation, and up, up to an ice cold ring of iron that's been buckled around your small neck. if the threads slacken a millimeter, then the iron band tightens a centimeter. if the threads go entirely slack, the collar clamps around your throat. your fingers twitch and you can't breathe - you are so tiny, and you can't breathe, and you desperately claw at the strings to try and pull on the threads, try to squeeze your fingers together and stretch out your arm and the band that's choking you, panicking you, loosens. slackens. you inhale, a sharp gasp straight down your windpipe, and start coughing, violently enough to wrack your shoulders.
the man laughs, satisfied. "You have to learn to breathe slowly. Clever. It seems there's no need for anyone to teach you. You've already learned how not to asphyxiate."
--
abruptly, the memory changes.
you're sitting in a chair. still tiny, and - your body is strapped into the chair, held down with clinically tied belts. you can't move anything but your fingers, the metal rings, the threads. you're in so much pain - you must have been on death's doorstep for an hour, now, your entire body ice cold, lightheaded, lungs burning, and throat aching. the metal of the iron ring cuts into your skin.
the man returns holding the very same puppy. this is reality. he places it in your other palm, and asks, soft: "Is it soft?"
the dog sniffs at your hand. it must know how terrified you are, because it immediately struggles to push at your hand, licking at your fingers, nuzzling. the man laughs again, soft, and asks, "Is it cute?
you hesitate, and then, you nod.
wrong answer.
the shackle around your neck tightens - you make a horrifying, rasping gasp as your windpipe is squeezed tighter, tighter by ice cold iron, and you subconsciously start squeezing your fingers together stop the pain stop it i can't breathe i need to breathe i can't breathe
the collar loosens loosens, and air, beautiful air fills your lungs, but in unison, the little dog lets out a mournful, pained cry, and with a start, you realize that your hand has closed in that motion around the dog's tiny, fragile neck. you let go - the threads go slack and the iron clamps and you're choking again and you start struggling and thrashing in the chair and -
your memory goes dark, there.
--
but it happens again.
sometimes it's a bird. sometimes it's a squirrel. sometimes it's a cat. a rabbit. it's an animal and your father places your hand around its neck in those iron rings and chokes you until your survival instinct makes your hand clamp to keep those strings taut so you don't die. once, he says to you, as soft and gentle as a kind father who teaches, when he has you put a tiny hamster in your palm, "What is life? This is life."
he wraps his hand around yours this time, and he squeezes - tighter, tighter, as the animal starts to let out the wails of a dying creature - you thrash against his hand and you can't breathe and you gasp, and the man with a voice like a father wraps his hand tighter around yours so you can't let go. the animal makes no more noises, lungs laminated under the pressure of two hands.
"This is death.
It isn’t at all as serious as in people’s exaggerations. The reason why they exaggerate it is that man is a social animal with very grave inherent weaknesses. On the one hand, he wants to improve his existence with the help of the community and of society. On the other hand, he can hardly control all kinds of bizarre evil urges and desires. Therefore he has to agree on mutually restrictive rules, for example ‘law’ and ‘public policy doctrine.’ The former is a contract with society. To guard against you privately going back on the agreement, there’s also the latter, making a person accept the brainwashing of the community’s values and willingly conform to the behavior of the majority. Having recognized this point, you have escaped the pattern of the majority."
you stopped listening halfway through and you start shaking your head, violently, desperately trying to get free, thrashing in the chair, as the animal's heartbeat slows to a stop in your hand. the man with a voice like your father - your father, he keeps talking.
"Do you want to see the truth about life and death again… What are you shaking your head for? Children ought to be modest. You have to repeatedly reinforce the things you’ve learned before they can become your own. Come, we’ll start again—”
--
the memory changes again. time passes, and you are fifteen years old.
after your mother dies, the police are occasionally around the fei estate. one in particular, a messy haired young man named tao ran takes a particular liking to you, and you find you like him too - he's kind, maybe the kindest person you've ever met, and you like him so much better than his partner, the sharp, angry, scowling luo wenzhou who, in your fifteen year old opinion, is an idiot.
tao ran's kindness, being his best quality, means that he rescues a kitten one day. it's tiny, an ugly thing with its head too big for its body and its eyes too big for its face. he can't keep it - he lives with his parents - and maybe fei du should watch over it for a little while. you reluctantly agreed. you feed it and give it water, you make sure it has litter, and you turn a blind eye to it, because you have to, because you've been trained, haven't you? disinterest. dislike. the kitten is an ugly thing that you hate.
the kitten is naturally clingy. it comes to cuddle. if you don't play with it, it screams and whines, throwing tantrums. you hate it, but you don't get rid of it. once, it hooks its claws in your nice pant leg and throws itself on the ground, flopping over and demanding attention - it scratches your leg and makes you bleed. your patience with this creature has snapped, and you stare down it, coldly, deliberating how you're going to give it away, and then you hear the sound of a car in the driveway.
the cold deliberation is gone in a second.
the minute you hear fei chengyu's keys in the door - he's home from a business trip - you grab the kitten. you pull a little too hard on its claws to free them from your leg, and you take it in your hand, and then you squeeze it in your hand and it lets out a weak cry and then you
you open a desk drawer, you put the cat in, and you shut the drawer, and then you stride out of the study calmly. your father regards you for a moment.
he walks past you, and he sees the cat food you bought, alongside the small food dish and the small litter box. the litter box is freshly cleaned, and there's no cat food in a bowl. fei chengyu turns his head to look at you.
"What pet have you been keeping?" he asks. ]
A cat. [ you say, absentminded. casual. you're barely fifteen and you're deft as you pull on what your father wants to see. ] That busy-body policeman gave it to me.
[ fei chengyu finally turns his head to look at you again, and his face lights up with great interest. you know that face. it makes you sick to your stomach. "The little cop knows how to amuse children. Where's the cat? Let me see it."
you look at him. (hold the mask in place.) and you let out a laugh, a strange, cold, humorless laugh, and then spread out your hands. on your palm, there are few white and orange cat hairs, tinged red with blood. blood on your fingertips, too. ] Here it is.
[ fei chengyu tilts his head, and then sighs. he calmly lectures you - buy another cat that's about the same and give it back to tao ran, getting closer to the police would be a benefit in the future, wouldn't it? and he doesn't ask. you listen without looking up, and your heart is pounding so hard you feel like you might be sick.
your father accepts it and waves you off to make a call, and when he does, you lift your hand and blow on the cat hairs soundlessly, so they stick to fei chengyu's perfect, flawless, clean suit, and fei chengyu doesn't notice. he leaves, satisfied with your behavior, his favorite work, his heir, and disappears into his office.
when the door shuts you finally exhale - your shoulders collapse and you turn on your heel, unnatural, stiff, and then hurry to the study and shut the door behind you, shaking out your sweaty palms, your shaking hands, and rush to the drawer. you open it, and the kitten stares at you, affronted but otherwise perfectly, perfectly alive. you can't pick it up, but you hold out a fingertip to it, and it nuzzles against your hand, and you're shaking so hard you have to kneel down in front of the drawers.
this is it. it's your first rebellion. your first deception. the first time you ever successfully lied to fei chengyu, because no one on this earth is omnipotent, and even a demon could be tricked by his own self confidence. you've learned. you saved this kitten's life. it's alive, you saved it's life, and now, your eviction of the cat from the apartment isn't disposal, but a rescue mission.
years later, you find yourself standing in luo wenzhou's living room, in your pajamas, and a fat, familiar cat with too big eyes who has grown into his too big head stares at you. he's orange and white and a little black and he puffs up his tail to challenge you - and then skitters away to hide under the couch, and you find yourself marveling a little at how strange life can really be. ]
that's - fine. this is fine. fei du comes out of his own memory feeling like he's been hit by a truck. there's just a hurricane of his own emotions, even if his face doesn't show it, from the reminder of fei chengyu's trainings to defeating him to, at the end, an absolutely emotional gut punch over how much he misses luo wenzhou, how much he misses that stupid fucking cat whose life he saved all those years ago. he's still reeling from it and then the pig shows him d's memory, and that's -
a lot, too. that's a lot. fei du is holding his breath when it ends, caught up in the action of it all; he's seen a lot of magic and weird things in the past week, but there's so much familiar in d's memory that it makes him feel empathetic and makes his skin crawl, all at once.
he finally reacts, like he's not made of stone, with a short, sharp exhale. i only do this because i love you tastes like rot in the back of fei du's mouth.
[This week has been HELL!!!! It's always one thing to get someone else's memories, but it's another to get your own thrown back in your face again too.
He's left with his hand curled up at the base of his throat, like he's trying to catch his breath. He is trying to catch his breath. And make his heart stop hammering in his chest. He swallows. Wow! Wow...]
Mr. Fei...
[HOW DOES HE EVEN BEGIN TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANY OF THIS.]
[ fei du would love it if he didn't but i won't allow that
he watches the hand at the base of d's throat for a long moment. feels the phantom of his memories, in return, sees the animals that overrun that shooter. ]
... I can't remember if I'd told you or not, but; small animals do tend not to like me.
[ it's a joke in the way that he has to say something about it, dark and a little bitter. he can't help himself, and just once, coughs, doing everything in his power not to just mirror d's gesture as he remembers the phantom of the lock around his throat. ]
His hand pulls away and dips outward, but pauses. He's not sure if Fei Du would want him to touch anywhere much less touch at all. It hovers there while his lips thin.]
That's not...
[He's again not sure how to correct this after seeing such a terrible thing. After understanding such a terrible thing.]
[ he says, quietly, at first. there's a conviction to the way he forms the word, to the way his perfectly composed expression doesn't change, to the way the line of tension in his shoulders that had been there since the beginning of both memories hasn't moved an inch. he rolls his shoulders back. ]
... No, it wasn't. [ every time he relives this memory, it leaves fei du feeling strange. feeling satisfied in the same way he's embittered, thinking about home. ] It taught me a lesson he didn't want me to learn.
[ sweet yiguo ]
I know you hate seeing harm come to them. [ considering. ] ... I'm sorry.
Gently, D rests the end of his hand against Fei Du's arm. A little touch of--he's not sure if reassurance can even apply here. There is no way to take back any of that sort of thing. Maybe the touch is more for himself actually. The absolute terror he felt for those babies, the terror he knows Fei Du also felt.]
You aren't the one who should be apologizing.
[Fei Du's father is exactly the kind of disgusting human he'd love to watch be taught a lesson. Alas...]
You should have never been forced to do such evil things by someone who should be loving and protecting you.
[ he doesn't reject the touch, though d will find that fei du is very, very tense. probably not surprise. he takes a deep breath - in, and out. one brushstroke to uproot anxiety. ]
He wasn't capable of that. [ love, that is.
a pause. ] ... We've been over this before, but yours, too.
[Um, don't use this icon of him with a collar on, hello. Get out.]
I can tell.
[IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY!!! But he can clearly see it was the case. His touch softens more than it already is over the tension in Fei Du's body.]
Yours was quite... [...] No... You're right. Both of them...
Wow, no, GO BACK. Not like this. Let's talk about Fei Du's shitty dad instead...]
A dream... It... [He pauses in a thoughtful sort of way, like he's trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Well, if memories are happening already...] It's a long story... told to me many times by my grandfather.
The animal world exists only as weak and strong. You survival, or you don't. But father... believes in saving all of them with whatever means necessary. He believes in not forgetting... our duty. To avenge them.
[ filing this information in with what he knows about D already - the story he told him about his father and his genetic experiments, about his view on the world - makes the context click into place. he's too analytical just to leave the details of the memory behind, especially when he's avoiding thinking about his own, especially when the similarities between the two send a chill down his spine.
learning what it's like to be human. learning the way humans feel. the things they do. the careless cruelties he's seen over and over again - the way his own father acted towards the very same subject. it's funny, in a way; only because if their fathers ever met, it would have likely ended in instant murder? that's fine. ]
... And what about you?
[ about that, about what he was trying to teach. he knows, a little, from their previous conversations and from the memory, but he wants to hear him work through it, too. ]
[The question is met with thoughtful silence. He does look at Fei Du for a long moment, but then he finally turns his head slightly away. It's clear his considerations are conflicted.
It's truly so difficult... to be a product of nature and nurture.]
...I have a duty. [This is so simple to say, but there is so much more to it that he isn't sure if Fei Du would understand.] It...
[His head snaps up suddenly. He doesn't mean any harm, but his hand tightens against Fei Du's arm with alarm. ANOTHER PIG NOISE!
the tighter grip doesn't bother him, really, mostly because he looks up and sees the source. he's starting to wish he had wenzhou's gun again so he could blast it but, it's too late.
this memory helps to explain a lot of context, but worse than that, it's familiar. it's the exact sort of thing that fei chengyu might have done in the same situation. don't stray from the path anymore is worse, than the memory before it. it's worse because it's so familiar. it's worse because he remembers d's execution, remembers their talk of the preciousness of life. it's worse, to understand how it feels to be strapped with a burden you never asked for, expected to carry out the weight of a sword you don't want to swing. it's worse because it is so intimately familiar that it's not the blood in the memory that makes fei du feel sick.
he exhales out when it's faded away, short, and sharp, and for a moment, his expression is inscrutable - like he's filing away all the little details of that memory, dissecting it piece by piece to understand it fully.
also, kinda gay that you jumped off a roof holding hands with your detective buddy but he won't say that. ]
... a duty. [ he repeats, after a moment, softly. ] I see.
His grip on Fei Du loosens politely, and then he draws his hand back to himself to curl against the middle of his chest. It's a fresh memory for him, but it doesn't sting any less.
Sometimes...! You're on the verge of straying from the path, but then your dad Itachis you to set you once more into your nasty dutiful ways!!]
Yes... [Tentatively.] A duty to... the animals who have been killed by human ignorance.
[ unfortunately he's also really skrunkly. antagonist passing. also d is a weenie.
aha. that's what he thought, though - he doesn't say anything, just smiles a little knowingly to the way he looks away, and lets d finish.
and eventually: ]
I really don't know how, either. [ it's a more candid response than he'd usually give, but it's true. the sheer nature of fei chengyu's lessons meant there was no room for empathy, let alone room for love. fei du had convinced himself that was true.
and then, well. wenzhou happened. ] It has a way of sneaking up on you anyway. Even if you don't know what it is, or if you don't want it. Maybe especially, then.
[LARPing as an antagonist. WOW, DON'T WEENIEFY HIM HELLO?! He's shunning each and every single one of your soft, tender feels. No love and affection for HIM.
His eyes lift to Fei Du like before, watching. Why not try jumping off the top of a burning building with your detective boyfriend, Fei Du? It will build character.]
I think that is an option for you, Mr. Fei, and I'm not jealous of it. It is too late for me, however. I do have a duty... one that ends in witnessing the fall of mankind.
...And what's more, I was moving shop anyway. The detective and his little brother have their own lives they should live.
[ larping as an antagonist is 100% correct, yeah. you have no idea.
one of fei du's favorite things about d is the fact that they really are strikingly similar. and having been reamed to the fourth degree by luo wenzhou at home and by shenhe here, he recognizes this behavior so intimately that brings a curve of a smile to his mouth. ]
Self destructive.
[ he tilts his head just slightly, meeting his mismatched eyes, but there's no judgement there. maybe recognition, which might be worse. idly: ] If you're going to witness the fall of mankind, isn't it going to hit the detective and his little brother at some point, anyway? But if you get away from them, then that would delay it. Or... help you to separate from them, literally and metaphorically. Protect them. Something like that?
[There isn’t any judgement, but D’s expression is exactly like a demure maiden being caught doing something naughty. The way he lifts his shoulders and keeps his hands laced in front of himself, looking up through his lashes without any rebuke.
Of course, he turns his eyes away.] I’m sure you understand, Mr. Fei. [They are similar enough he knows Fei Du understands. Understood?]
I can’t complete my duty with the detective sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. He knows too much, and perhaps I should have wiped his memory… Chris was not meant to stay in the pet shop. He learned to use his voice again, so there was no need for us anymore. He could only see the animals as animals.
He was free to grow up and protect others.
[Sometimes, you get fond of two humans, but know you are the outlier, so you leave them behind because it keeps them safe.]
[ like in so many other things when it comes to d, fei du just smiles, a little. it's lacking mirth, but it's lacking judgement, too. because how could he judge? ]
I do.
[ he understands so intimately that it's like looking into a mirror. ]
[NOT THIS. His thin brows pinch gently, but he doesn't look up. What he does not know is, yes, idiots do what idiots do, and Leon Orcot definitely will be chasing him madly down. Not unlike Vesca did his father. Perhaps it's Chris's destiny to chase his once-father-now-son.
Soulmates trapped in time...]
He would be extremely foolish to do such a thing. [He says this in a way where it sounds exactly like he thinks Leon is foolish enough to do it.] I will... simply have to move the shop elsewhere. Again and again if I must.
that's about the answer he's expecting, to be honest. it's so funny - their lives are so similar, for two people with such different circumstances.
fei du lets out a quiet laugh, at first, and lets the silence fall. despite his general demeanor - the social way he tends to act, his gremlin personality - he's actually fairly reflective. he weighs the words people give him very carefully, dissecting them with an experts' hands, and he looks back on their conversation. i was going to give you another memory here but im too tired to write another one i have nine prewritten so it will come eventually.
anyway ]
... You know, I've been cruel to Luo Wenzhou on purpose to try and make him realize what kind of person that I am quite a few times.
Once, I locked him out of my room when he was trying to talk to me, stopped answering his calls, and cut him off completely, and instead of taking the hint, he went back outside and got a wire so he could pick the lock and barge in. Another time, I baited him into an argument and told him I never loved him because I was incapable of it, so he went to go fume about it in his room. I thought I could leave then, and when I was putting on my shoes he suddenly stormed back out into the hall and, quite literally, tied me up with my scarf and forced me to tell him something sincere.
I'll give you a word of advice. People like them [ because he is also not blind to the similarities between the detective leon and the captain luo wenzhou ] are more stubborn than people like us. Idiots will chase sincerity down until it can't escape.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w4, sunday
hey we're hanging out because of course we are! TWO OF THEM! REUNITED! and as d and fei du are vibing
one of these goddamn pigs shows up! and it shows this! ]
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He will react to this in a moment, right now he is also shoving a memory over to Fei Du's mind palace.
Very funny, I am giving you another one instead for right this minute. Enjoy.]
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that's - fine. this is fine. fei du comes out of his own memory feeling like he's been hit by a truck. there's just a hurricane of his own emotions, even if his face doesn't show it, from the reminder of fei chengyu's trainings to defeating him to, at the end, an absolutely emotional gut punch over how much he misses luo wenzhou, how much he misses that stupid fucking cat whose life he saved all those years ago. he's still reeling from it and then the pig shows him d's memory, and that's -
a lot, too. that's a lot. fei du is holding his breath when it ends, caught up in the action of it all; he's seen a lot of magic and weird things in the past week, but there's so much familiar in d's memory that it makes him feel empathetic and makes his skin crawl, all at once.
he finally reacts, like he's not made of stone, with a short, sharp exhale. i only do this because i love you tastes like rot in the back of fei du's mouth.
... ]
Those pigs are really troublesome.
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He's left with his hand curled up at the base of his throat, like he's trying to catch his breath. He is trying to catch his breath. And make his heart stop hammering in his chest. He swallows. Wow! Wow...]
Mr. Fei...
[HOW DOES HE EVEN BEGIN TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANY OF THIS.]
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he watches the hand at the base of d's throat for a long moment. feels the phantom of his memories, in return, sees the animals that overrun that shooter. ]
... I can't remember if I'd told you or not, but; small animals do tend not to like me.
[ it's a joke in the way that he has to say something about it, dark and a little bitter. he can't help himself, and just once, coughs, doing everything in his power not to just mirror d's gesture as he remembers the phantom of the lock around his throat. ]
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His hand pulls away and dips outward, but pauses. He's not sure if Fei Du would want him to touch anywhere much less touch at all. It hovers there while his lips thin.]
That's not...
[He's again not sure how to correct this after seeing such a terrible thing. After understanding such a terrible thing.]
That wasn't your fault.
no subject
[ he says, quietly, at first. there's a conviction to the way he forms the word, to the way his perfectly composed expression doesn't change, to the way the line of tension in his shoulders that had been there since the beginning of both memories hasn't moved an inch. he rolls his shoulders back. ]
... No, it wasn't. [ every time he relives this memory, it leaves fei du feeling strange. feeling satisfied in the same way he's embittered, thinking about home. ] It taught me a lesson he didn't want me to learn.
[ sweet yiguo ]
I know you hate seeing harm come to them. [ considering. ] ... I'm sorry.
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Gently, D rests the end of his hand against Fei Du's arm. A little touch of--he's not sure if reassurance can even apply here. There is no way to take back any of that sort of thing. Maybe the touch is more for himself actually. The absolute terror he felt for those babies, the terror he knows Fei Du also felt.]
You aren't the one who should be apologizing.
[Fei Du's father is exactly the kind of disgusting human he'd love to watch be taught a lesson. Alas...]
You should have never been forced to do such evil things by someone who should be loving and protecting you.
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He wasn't capable of that. [ love, that is.
a pause. ] ... We've been over this before, but yours, too.
[ man your dad sucks ]
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I can tell.
[IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY!!! But he can clearly see it was the case. His touch softens more than it already is over the tension in Fei Du's body.]
Yours was quite... [...] No... You're right. Both of them...
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anyway. he gives d a bit of a smile, slightly sardonic. recognizing.
and also, frankly, quite glad to change the subject. ]
... What was that, at the end of yours, with him? The memory.
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Wow, no, GO BACK. Not like this. Let's talk about Fei Du's shitty dad instead...]
A dream... It... [He pauses in a thoughtful sort of way, like he's trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Well, if memories are happening already...] It's a long story... told to me many times by my grandfather.
The animal world exists only as weak and strong. You survival, or you don't. But father... believes in saving all of them with whatever means necessary. He believes in not forgetting... our duty. To avenge them.
no subject
learning what it's like to be human. learning the way humans feel. the things they do. the careless cruelties he's seen over and over again - the way his own father acted towards the very same subject. it's funny, in a way; only because if their fathers ever met, it would have likely ended in instant murder? that's fine. ]
... And what about you?
[ about that, about what he was trying to teach. he knows, a little, from their previous conversations and from the memory, but he wants to hear him work through it, too. ]
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It's truly so difficult... to be a product of nature and nurture.]
...I have a duty. [This is so simple to say, but there is so much more to it that he isn't sure if Fei Du would understand.] It...
[His head snaps up suddenly. He doesn't mean any harm, but his hand tightens against Fei Du's arm with alarm. ANOTHER PIG NOISE!
You've seen this, but Fei Du can have an explanation.]
no subject
the tighter grip doesn't bother him, really, mostly because he looks up and sees the source. he's starting to wish he had wenzhou's gun again so he could blast it but, it's too late.
this memory helps to explain a lot of context, but worse than that, it's familiar. it's the exact sort of thing that fei chengyu might have done in the same situation. don't stray from the path anymore is worse, than the memory before it. it's worse because it's so familiar. it's worse because he remembers d's execution, remembers their talk of the preciousness of life. it's worse, to understand how it feels to be strapped with a burden you never asked for, expected to carry out the weight of a sword you don't want to swing. it's worse because it is so intimately familiar that it's not the blood in the memory that makes fei du feel sick.
he exhales out when it's faded away, short, and sharp, and for a moment, his expression is inscrutable - like he's filing away all the little details of that memory, dissecting it piece by piece to understand it fully.
also, kinda gay that you jumped off a roof holding hands with your detective buddy but he won't say that. ]
... a duty. [ he repeats, after a moment, softly. ] I see.
no subject
His grip on Fei Du loosens politely, and then he draws his hand back to himself to curl against the middle of his chest. It's a fresh memory for him, but it doesn't sting any less.
Sometimes...! You're on the verge of straying from the path, but then your dad Itachis you to set you once more into your nasty dutiful ways!!]
Yes... [Tentatively.] A duty to... the animals who have been killed by human ignorance.
no subject
in the context of d's execution, this is a lot to see. in the dichotomy of their two memories, back to back, it's almost thrown into stark relief.
his tone is (maybe surprisingly) gentle, after it all - non judgmental, slightly curious, but recognizing. ]
...But a love built for the humans who aren't so cruel, too.
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His mismatched eyes flicker up to Fei Du, then quickly flicker away. Don't call him out, geez...]
There isn't any place for that... I do not... know how to love a human... And doing so will get in the way of what has to be done.
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aha. that's what he thought, though - he doesn't say anything, just smiles a little knowingly to the way he looks away, and lets d finish.
and eventually: ]
I really don't know how, either. [ it's a more candid response than he'd usually give, but it's true. the sheer nature of fei chengyu's lessons meant there was no room for empathy, let alone room for love. fei du had convinced himself that was true.
and then, well. wenzhou happened. ] It has a way of sneaking up on you anyway. Even if you don't know what it is, or if you don't want it. Maybe especially, then.
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His eyes lift to Fei Du like before, watching. Why not try jumping off the top of a burning building with your detective boyfriend, Fei Du? It will build character.]
I think that is an option for you, Mr. Fei, and I'm not jealous of it. It is too late for me, however. I do have a duty... one that ends in witnessing the fall of mankind.
...And what's more, I was moving shop anyway. The detective and his little brother have their own lives they should live.
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one of fei du's favorite things about d is the fact that they really are strikingly similar. and having been reamed to the fourth degree by luo wenzhou at home and by shenhe here, he recognizes this behavior so intimately that brings a curve of a smile to his mouth. ]
Self destructive.
[ he tilts his head just slightly, meeting his mismatched eyes, but there's no judgement there. maybe recognition, which might be worse. idly: ] If you're going to witness the fall of mankind, isn't it going to hit the detective and his little brother at some point, anyway? But if you get away from them, then that would delay it. Or... help you to separate from them, literally and metaphorically. Protect them. Something like that?
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Of course, he turns his eyes away.] I’m sure you understand, Mr. Fei. [They are similar enough he knows Fei Du understands. Understood?]
I can’t complete my duty with the detective sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. He knows too much, and perhaps I should have wiped his memory… Chris was not meant to stay in the pet shop. He learned to use his voice again, so there was no need for us anymore. He could only see the animals as animals.
He was free to grow up and protect others.
[Sometimes, you get fond of two humans, but know you are the outlier, so you leave them behind because it keeps them safe.]
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I do.
[ he understands so intimately that it's like looking into a mirror. ]
... What happens if they chase you down?
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Soulmates trapped in time...]
He would be extremely foolish to do such a thing. [He says this in a way where it sounds exactly like he thinks Leon is foolish enough to do it.] I will... simply have to move the shop elsewhere. Again and again if I must.
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that's about the answer he's expecting, to be honest. it's so funny - their lives are so similar, for two people with such different circumstances.
fei du lets out a quiet laugh, at first, and lets the silence fall. despite his general demeanor - the social way he tends to act, his gremlin personality - he's actually fairly reflective. he weighs the words people give him very carefully, dissecting them with an experts' hands, and he looks back on their conversation. i was going to give you another memory here but im too tired to write another one i have nine prewritten so it will come eventually.
anyway ]
... You know, I've been cruel to Luo Wenzhou on purpose to try and make him realize what kind of person that I am quite a few times.
Once, I locked him out of my room when he was trying to talk to me, stopped answering his calls, and cut him off completely, and instead of taking the hint, he went back outside and got a wire so he could pick the lock and barge in. Another time, I baited him into an argument and told him I never loved him because I was incapable of it, so he went to go fume about it in his room. I thought I could leave then, and when I was putting on my shoes he suddenly stormed back out into the hall and, quite literally, tied me up with my scarf and forced me to tell him something sincere.
I'll give you a word of advice. People like them [ because he is also not blind to the similarities between the detective leon and the captain luo wenzhou ] are more stubborn than people like us. Idiots will chase sincerity down until it can't escape.
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1/2... finally
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