that's - fine. this is fine. fei du comes out of his own memory feeling like he's been hit by a truck. there's just a hurricane of his own emotions, even if his face doesn't show it, from the reminder of fei chengyu's trainings to defeating him to, at the end, an absolutely emotional gut punch over how much he misses luo wenzhou, how much he misses that stupid fucking cat whose life he saved all those years ago. he's still reeling from it and then the pig shows him d's memory, and that's -
a lot, too. that's a lot. fei du is holding his breath when it ends, caught up in the action of it all; he's seen a lot of magic and weird things in the past week, but there's so much familiar in d's memory that it makes him feel empathetic and makes his skin crawl, all at once.
he finally reacts, like he's not made of stone, with a short, sharp exhale. i only do this because i love you tastes like rot in the back of fei du's mouth.
[This week has been HELL!!!! It's always one thing to get someone else's memories, but it's another to get your own thrown back in your face again too.
He's left with his hand curled up at the base of his throat, like he's trying to catch his breath. He is trying to catch his breath. And make his heart stop hammering in his chest. He swallows. Wow! Wow...]
Mr. Fei...
[HOW DOES HE EVEN BEGIN TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANY OF THIS.]
[ fei du would love it if he didn't but i won't allow that
he watches the hand at the base of d's throat for a long moment. feels the phantom of his memories, in return, sees the animals that overrun that shooter. ]
... I can't remember if I'd told you or not, but; small animals do tend not to like me.
[ it's a joke in the way that he has to say something about it, dark and a little bitter. he can't help himself, and just once, coughs, doing everything in his power not to just mirror d's gesture as he remembers the phantom of the lock around his throat. ]
His hand pulls away and dips outward, but pauses. He's not sure if Fei Du would want him to touch anywhere much less touch at all. It hovers there while his lips thin.]
That's not...
[He's again not sure how to correct this after seeing such a terrible thing. After understanding such a terrible thing.]
[ he says, quietly, at first. there's a conviction to the way he forms the word, to the way his perfectly composed expression doesn't change, to the way the line of tension in his shoulders that had been there since the beginning of both memories hasn't moved an inch. he rolls his shoulders back. ]
... No, it wasn't. [ every time he relives this memory, it leaves fei du feeling strange. feeling satisfied in the same way he's embittered, thinking about home. ] It taught me a lesson he didn't want me to learn.
[ sweet yiguo ]
I know you hate seeing harm come to them. [ considering. ] ... I'm sorry.
Gently, D rests the end of his hand against Fei Du's arm. A little touch of--he's not sure if reassurance can even apply here. There is no way to take back any of that sort of thing. Maybe the touch is more for himself actually. The absolute terror he felt for those babies, the terror he knows Fei Du also felt.]
You aren't the one who should be apologizing.
[Fei Du's father is exactly the kind of disgusting human he'd love to watch be taught a lesson. Alas...]
You should have never been forced to do such evil things by someone who should be loving and protecting you.
[ he doesn't reject the touch, though d will find that fei du is very, very tense. probably not surprise. he takes a deep breath - in, and out. one brushstroke to uproot anxiety. ]
He wasn't capable of that. [ love, that is.
a pause. ] ... We've been over this before, but yours, too.
[Um, don't use this icon of him with a collar on, hello. Get out.]
I can tell.
[IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY!!! But he can clearly see it was the case. His touch softens more than it already is over the tension in Fei Du's body.]
Yours was quite... [...] No... You're right. Both of them...
Wow, no, GO BACK. Not like this. Let's talk about Fei Du's shitty dad instead...]
A dream... It... [He pauses in a thoughtful sort of way, like he's trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Well, if memories are happening already...] It's a long story... told to me many times by my grandfather.
The animal world exists only as weak and strong. You survival, or you don't. But father... believes in saving all of them with whatever means necessary. He believes in not forgetting... our duty. To avenge them.
[ filing this information in with what he knows about D already - the story he told him about his father and his genetic experiments, about his view on the world - makes the context click into place. he's too analytical just to leave the details of the memory behind, especially when he's avoiding thinking about his own, especially when the similarities between the two send a chill down his spine.
learning what it's like to be human. learning the way humans feel. the things they do. the careless cruelties he's seen over and over again - the way his own father acted towards the very same subject. it's funny, in a way; only because if their fathers ever met, it would have likely ended in instant murder? that's fine. ]
... And what about you?
[ about that, about what he was trying to teach. he knows, a little, from their previous conversations and from the memory, but he wants to hear him work through it, too. ]
[The question is met with thoughtful silence. He does look at Fei Du for a long moment, but then he finally turns his head slightly away. It's clear his considerations are conflicted.
It's truly so difficult... to be a product of nature and nurture.]
...I have a duty. [This is so simple to say, but there is so much more to it that he isn't sure if Fei Du would understand.] It...
[His head snaps up suddenly. He doesn't mean any harm, but his hand tightens against Fei Du's arm with alarm. ANOTHER PIG NOISE!
the tighter grip doesn't bother him, really, mostly because he looks up and sees the source. he's starting to wish he had wenzhou's gun again so he could blast it but, it's too late.
this memory helps to explain a lot of context, but worse than that, it's familiar. it's the exact sort of thing that fei chengyu might have done in the same situation. don't stray from the path anymore is worse, than the memory before it. it's worse because it's so familiar. it's worse because he remembers d's execution, remembers their talk of the preciousness of life. it's worse, to understand how it feels to be strapped with a burden you never asked for, expected to carry out the weight of a sword you don't want to swing. it's worse because it is so intimately familiar that it's not the blood in the memory that makes fei du feel sick.
he exhales out when it's faded away, short, and sharp, and for a moment, his expression is inscrutable - like he's filing away all the little details of that memory, dissecting it piece by piece to understand it fully.
also, kinda gay that you jumped off a roof holding hands with your detective buddy but he won't say that. ]
... a duty. [ he repeats, after a moment, softly. ] I see.
His grip on Fei Du loosens politely, and then he draws his hand back to himself to curl against the middle of his chest. It's a fresh memory for him, but it doesn't sting any less.
Sometimes...! You're on the verge of straying from the path, but then your dad Itachis you to set you once more into your nasty dutiful ways!!]
Yes... [Tentatively.] A duty to... the animals who have been killed by human ignorance.
[ unfortunately he's also really skrunkly. antagonist passing. also d is a weenie.
aha. that's what he thought, though - he doesn't say anything, just smiles a little knowingly to the way he looks away, and lets d finish.
and eventually: ]
I really don't know how, either. [ it's a more candid response than he'd usually give, but it's true. the sheer nature of fei chengyu's lessons meant there was no room for empathy, let alone room for love. fei du had convinced himself that was true.
and then, well. wenzhou happened. ] It has a way of sneaking up on you anyway. Even if you don't know what it is, or if you don't want it. Maybe especially, then.
[LARPing as an antagonist. WOW, DON'T WEENIEFY HIM HELLO?! He's shunning each and every single one of your soft, tender feels. No love and affection for HIM.
His eyes lift to Fei Du like before, watching. Why not try jumping off the top of a burning building with your detective boyfriend, Fei Du? It will build character.]
I think that is an option for you, Mr. Fei, and I'm not jealous of it. It is too late for me, however. I do have a duty... one that ends in witnessing the fall of mankind.
...And what's more, I was moving shop anyway. The detective and his little brother have their own lives they should live.
[ larping as an antagonist is 100% correct, yeah. you have no idea.
one of fei du's favorite things about d is the fact that they really are strikingly similar. and having been reamed to the fourth degree by luo wenzhou at home and by shenhe here, he recognizes this behavior so intimately that brings a curve of a smile to his mouth. ]
Self destructive.
[ he tilts his head just slightly, meeting his mismatched eyes, but there's no judgement there. maybe recognition, which might be worse. idly: ] If you're going to witness the fall of mankind, isn't it going to hit the detective and his little brother at some point, anyway? But if you get away from them, then that would delay it. Or... help you to separate from them, literally and metaphorically. Protect them. Something like that?
[There isn’t any judgement, but D’s expression is exactly like a demure maiden being caught doing something naughty. The way he lifts his shoulders and keeps his hands laced in front of himself, looking up through his lashes without any rebuke.
Of course, he turns his eyes away.] I’m sure you understand, Mr. Fei. [They are similar enough he knows Fei Du understands. Understood?]
I can’t complete my duty with the detective sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. He knows too much, and perhaps I should have wiped his memory… Chris was not meant to stay in the pet shop. He learned to use his voice again, so there was no need for us anymore. He could only see the animals as animals.
He was free to grow up and protect others.
[Sometimes, you get fond of two humans, but know you are the outlier, so you leave them behind because it keeps them safe.]
[ like in so many other things when it comes to d, fei du just smiles, a little. it's lacking mirth, but it's lacking judgement, too. because how could he judge? ]
I do.
[ he understands so intimately that it's like looking into a mirror. ]
[NOT THIS. His thin brows pinch gently, but he doesn't look up. What he does not know is, yes, idiots do what idiots do, and Leon Orcot definitely will be chasing him madly down. Not unlike Vesca did his father. Perhaps it's Chris's destiny to chase his once-father-now-son.
Soulmates trapped in time...]
He would be extremely foolish to do such a thing. [He says this in a way where it sounds exactly like he thinks Leon is foolish enough to do it.] I will... simply have to move the shop elsewhere. Again and again if I must.
that's about the answer he's expecting, to be honest. it's so funny - their lives are so similar, for two people with such different circumstances.
fei du lets out a quiet laugh, at first, and lets the silence fall. despite his general demeanor - the social way he tends to act, his gremlin personality - he's actually fairly reflective. he weighs the words people give him very carefully, dissecting them with an experts' hands, and he looks back on their conversation. i was going to give you another memory here but im too tired to write another one i have nine prewritten so it will come eventually.
anyway ]
... You know, I've been cruel to Luo Wenzhou on purpose to try and make him realize what kind of person that I am quite a few times.
Once, I locked him out of my room when he was trying to talk to me, stopped answering his calls, and cut him off completely, and instead of taking the hint, he went back outside and got a wire so he could pick the lock and barge in. Another time, I baited him into an argument and told him I never loved him because I was incapable of it, so he went to go fume about it in his room. I thought I could leave then, and when I was putting on my shoes he suddenly stormed back out into the hall and, quite literally, tied me up with my scarf and forced me to tell him something sincere.
I'll give you a word of advice. People like them [ because he is also not blind to the similarities between the detective leon and the captain luo wenzhou ] are more stubborn than people like us. Idiots will chase sincerity down until it can't escape.
[DAMN, he wishes Fei Du was not dead at all much less standing in front of him right now calling him out left and right. Thank God Leon was not this intuitive most of the time; then again, he and Leon were foiling opposites, not twins.
He draws in a silent breath, holding it, frustrated, until it's released. And then he finally lifts his golden and purple eye to Fei Du's face. He and Leon would fight and scrap similarly, too. Chris, T-chan, and the others would always sit tiredly in the background and mutter about how they were going at it again.
So he knows there's truth in Fei Du's words.]
Would you be angry with me if I asked you to shut up? [A weak joke.] I especially hate the sense you're making...
[...]
I don't know if there is ever a world where the detective and I can coexist. As it is now... we really are flying on a hope and a prayer here. But even before, even if some miracle happens... I don't know if he'd understand our purpose enough not to try stopping me.
[ i had a whole ass tag written here and it vanished but thats fine
all of this is to say that the comment just makes him laugh - and it's a genuine one that brings a real smile to his face, even though it's like. the tiniest bit self deprecating, because he recognizes it. ]
I wouldn't be angry, no. [ maybe just at the circumstance. at the fact this kind of thing repeats. ] Trust me, I wasn't happy with it when I figured it out at first, either.
[ these dumb good hearted cops are the worst ]
That's what I thought, too. I suppose mine doesn't involve the destruction of an entire world, but - well. It feels like it. The enormity of it all was too large for me to try and explain. [ a beat. ] Until he made me explain it. You might want to watch out for that, too. He may just ask.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
that's - fine. this is fine. fei du comes out of his own memory feeling like he's been hit by a truck. there's just a hurricane of his own emotions, even if his face doesn't show it, from the reminder of fei chengyu's trainings to defeating him to, at the end, an absolutely emotional gut punch over how much he misses luo wenzhou, how much he misses that stupid fucking cat whose life he saved all those years ago. he's still reeling from it and then the pig shows him d's memory, and that's -
a lot, too. that's a lot. fei du is holding his breath when it ends, caught up in the action of it all; he's seen a lot of magic and weird things in the past week, but there's so much familiar in d's memory that it makes him feel empathetic and makes his skin crawl, all at once.
he finally reacts, like he's not made of stone, with a short, sharp exhale. i only do this because i love you tastes like rot in the back of fei du's mouth.
... ]
Those pigs are really troublesome.
no subject
He's left with his hand curled up at the base of his throat, like he's trying to catch his breath. He is trying to catch his breath. And make his heart stop hammering in his chest. He swallows. Wow! Wow...]
Mr. Fei...
[HOW DOES HE EVEN BEGIN TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANY OF THIS.]
no subject
he watches the hand at the base of d's throat for a long moment. feels the phantom of his memories, in return, sees the animals that overrun that shooter. ]
... I can't remember if I'd told you or not, but; small animals do tend not to like me.
[ it's a joke in the way that he has to say something about it, dark and a little bitter. he can't help himself, and just once, coughs, doing everything in his power not to just mirror d's gesture as he remembers the phantom of the lock around his throat. ]
no subject
His hand pulls away and dips outward, but pauses. He's not sure if Fei Du would want him to touch anywhere much less touch at all. It hovers there while his lips thin.]
That's not...
[He's again not sure how to correct this after seeing such a terrible thing. After understanding such a terrible thing.]
That wasn't your fault.
no subject
[ he says, quietly, at first. there's a conviction to the way he forms the word, to the way his perfectly composed expression doesn't change, to the way the line of tension in his shoulders that had been there since the beginning of both memories hasn't moved an inch. he rolls his shoulders back. ]
... No, it wasn't. [ every time he relives this memory, it leaves fei du feeling strange. feeling satisfied in the same way he's embittered, thinking about home. ] It taught me a lesson he didn't want me to learn.
[ sweet yiguo ]
I know you hate seeing harm come to them. [ considering. ] ... I'm sorry.
no subject
Gently, D rests the end of his hand against Fei Du's arm. A little touch of--he's not sure if reassurance can even apply here. There is no way to take back any of that sort of thing. Maybe the touch is more for himself actually. The absolute terror he felt for those babies, the terror he knows Fei Du also felt.]
You aren't the one who should be apologizing.
[Fei Du's father is exactly the kind of disgusting human he'd love to watch be taught a lesson. Alas...]
You should have never been forced to do such evil things by someone who should be loving and protecting you.
no subject
He wasn't capable of that. [ love, that is.
a pause. ] ... We've been over this before, but yours, too.
[ man your dad sucks ]
no subject
I can tell.
[IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY!!! But he can clearly see it was the case. His touch softens more than it already is over the tension in Fei Du's body.]
Yours was quite... [...] No... You're right. Both of them...
no subject
anyway. he gives d a bit of a smile, slightly sardonic. recognizing.
and also, frankly, quite glad to change the subject. ]
... What was that, at the end of yours, with him? The memory.
no subject
Wow, no, GO BACK. Not like this. Let's talk about Fei Du's shitty dad instead...]
A dream... It... [He pauses in a thoughtful sort of way, like he's trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Well, if memories are happening already...] It's a long story... told to me many times by my grandfather.
The animal world exists only as weak and strong. You survival, or you don't. But father... believes in saving all of them with whatever means necessary. He believes in not forgetting... our duty. To avenge them.
no subject
learning what it's like to be human. learning the way humans feel. the things they do. the careless cruelties he's seen over and over again - the way his own father acted towards the very same subject. it's funny, in a way; only because if their fathers ever met, it would have likely ended in instant murder? that's fine. ]
... And what about you?
[ about that, about what he was trying to teach. he knows, a little, from their previous conversations and from the memory, but he wants to hear him work through it, too. ]
no subject
It's truly so difficult... to be a product of nature and nurture.]
...I have a duty. [This is so simple to say, but there is so much more to it that he isn't sure if Fei Du would understand.] It...
[His head snaps up suddenly. He doesn't mean any harm, but his hand tightens against Fei Du's arm with alarm. ANOTHER PIG NOISE!
You've seen this, but Fei Du can have an explanation.]
no subject
the tighter grip doesn't bother him, really, mostly because he looks up and sees the source. he's starting to wish he had wenzhou's gun again so he could blast it but, it's too late.
this memory helps to explain a lot of context, but worse than that, it's familiar. it's the exact sort of thing that fei chengyu might have done in the same situation. don't stray from the path anymore is worse, than the memory before it. it's worse because it's so familiar. it's worse because he remembers d's execution, remembers their talk of the preciousness of life. it's worse, to understand how it feels to be strapped with a burden you never asked for, expected to carry out the weight of a sword you don't want to swing. it's worse because it is so intimately familiar that it's not the blood in the memory that makes fei du feel sick.
he exhales out when it's faded away, short, and sharp, and for a moment, his expression is inscrutable - like he's filing away all the little details of that memory, dissecting it piece by piece to understand it fully.
also, kinda gay that you jumped off a roof holding hands with your detective buddy but he won't say that. ]
... a duty. [ he repeats, after a moment, softly. ] I see.
no subject
His grip on Fei Du loosens politely, and then he draws his hand back to himself to curl against the middle of his chest. It's a fresh memory for him, but it doesn't sting any less.
Sometimes...! You're on the verge of straying from the path, but then your dad Itachis you to set you once more into your nasty dutiful ways!!]
Yes... [Tentatively.] A duty to... the animals who have been killed by human ignorance.
no subject
in the context of d's execution, this is a lot to see. in the dichotomy of their two memories, back to back, it's almost thrown into stark relief.
his tone is (maybe surprisingly) gentle, after it all - non judgmental, slightly curious, but recognizing. ]
...But a love built for the humans who aren't so cruel, too.
no subject
His mismatched eyes flicker up to Fei Du, then quickly flicker away. Don't call him out, geez...]
There isn't any place for that... I do not... know how to love a human... And doing so will get in the way of what has to be done.
no subject
aha. that's what he thought, though - he doesn't say anything, just smiles a little knowingly to the way he looks away, and lets d finish.
and eventually: ]
I really don't know how, either. [ it's a more candid response than he'd usually give, but it's true. the sheer nature of fei chengyu's lessons meant there was no room for empathy, let alone room for love. fei du had convinced himself that was true.
and then, well. wenzhou happened. ] It has a way of sneaking up on you anyway. Even if you don't know what it is, or if you don't want it. Maybe especially, then.
no subject
His eyes lift to Fei Du like before, watching. Why not try jumping off the top of a burning building with your detective boyfriend, Fei Du? It will build character.]
I think that is an option for you, Mr. Fei, and I'm not jealous of it. It is too late for me, however. I do have a duty... one that ends in witnessing the fall of mankind.
...And what's more, I was moving shop anyway. The detective and his little brother have their own lives they should live.
no subject
one of fei du's favorite things about d is the fact that they really are strikingly similar. and having been reamed to the fourth degree by luo wenzhou at home and by shenhe here, he recognizes this behavior so intimately that brings a curve of a smile to his mouth. ]
Self destructive.
[ he tilts his head just slightly, meeting his mismatched eyes, but there's no judgement there. maybe recognition, which might be worse. idly: ] If you're going to witness the fall of mankind, isn't it going to hit the detective and his little brother at some point, anyway? But if you get away from them, then that would delay it. Or... help you to separate from them, literally and metaphorically. Protect them. Something like that?
no subject
Of course, he turns his eyes away.] I’m sure you understand, Mr. Fei. [They are similar enough he knows Fei Du understands. Understood?]
I can’t complete my duty with the detective sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. He knows too much, and perhaps I should have wiped his memory… Chris was not meant to stay in the pet shop. He learned to use his voice again, so there was no need for us anymore. He could only see the animals as animals.
He was free to grow up and protect others.
[Sometimes, you get fond of two humans, but know you are the outlier, so you leave them behind because it keeps them safe.]
no subject
I do.
[ he understands so intimately that it's like looking into a mirror. ]
... What happens if they chase you down?
no subject
Soulmates trapped in time...]
He would be extremely foolish to do such a thing. [He says this in a way where it sounds exactly like he thinks Leon is foolish enough to do it.] I will... simply have to move the shop elsewhere. Again and again if I must.
no subject
that's about the answer he's expecting, to be honest. it's so funny - their lives are so similar, for two people with such different circumstances.
fei du lets out a quiet laugh, at first, and lets the silence fall. despite his general demeanor - the social way he tends to act, his gremlin personality - he's actually fairly reflective. he weighs the words people give him very carefully, dissecting them with an experts' hands, and he looks back on their conversation. i was going to give you another memory here but im too tired to write another one i have nine prewritten so it will come eventually.
anyway ]
... You know, I've been cruel to Luo Wenzhou on purpose to try and make him realize what kind of person that I am quite a few times.
Once, I locked him out of my room when he was trying to talk to me, stopped answering his calls, and cut him off completely, and instead of taking the hint, he went back outside and got a wire so he could pick the lock and barge in. Another time, I baited him into an argument and told him I never loved him because I was incapable of it, so he went to go fume about it in his room. I thought I could leave then, and when I was putting on my shoes he suddenly stormed back out into the hall and, quite literally, tied me up with my scarf and forced me to tell him something sincere.
I'll give you a word of advice. People like them [ because he is also not blind to the similarities between the detective leon and the captain luo wenzhou ] are more stubborn than people like us. Idiots will chase sincerity down until it can't escape.
no subject
He draws in a silent breath, holding it, frustrated, until it's released. And then he finally lifts his golden and purple eye to Fei Du's face. He and Leon would fight and scrap similarly, too. Chris, T-chan, and the others would always sit tiredly in the background and mutter about how they were going at it again.
So he knows there's truth in Fei Du's words.]
Would you be angry with me if I asked you to shut up? [A weak joke.] I especially hate the sense you're making...
[...]
I don't know if there is ever a world where the detective and I can coexist. As it is now... we really are flying on a hope and a prayer here. But even before, even if some miracle happens... I don't know if he'd understand our purpose enough not to try stopping me.
no subject
all of this is to say that the comment just makes him laugh - and it's a genuine one that brings a real smile to his face, even though it's like. the tiniest bit self deprecating, because he recognizes it. ]
I wouldn't be angry, no. [ maybe just at the circumstance. at the fact this kind of thing repeats. ] Trust me, I wasn't happy with it when I figured it out at first, either.
[ these dumb good hearted cops are the worst ]
That's what I thought, too. I suppose mine doesn't involve the destruction of an entire world, but - well. It feels like it. The enormity of it all was too large for me to try and explain. [ a beat. ] Until he made me explain it. You might want to watch out for that, too. He may just ask.
(no subject)
1/2... finally
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)