[ you know, comically - fei du's less stressed about this one than the one before.
because this isn't really something he's ashamed of. that's a problem, because it's not even remotely healthy behavior. and no, it's not something he really wants people to know about himself, considering he works very, very hard to present a certain kind of mien to the rest of the world, because it's not exactly normal behavior.
but. for fei du, it's worth it. these decisions, the conditioning, were fei du's and fei du's alone. it was his choice to turn his capacity for violence inwards. his choice, to use the tools his father used on him for his own gain - for his own good.
he's not expecting to be grabbed onto, and he's sort of frozen when it ends, but. he looks at d as he snaps out of it, and seems to finally remember to exhale. more startled to be touched than anything else, fei du gently puts one hand over his where he's grabbed on, reassurance. his heart's pounding, but it's fine. ]
- It's fine. [ it is. it could be so much worse. ] ... I suppose that answers your question.
[As soon as Fei Du's hand moves over his own, he realizes he is grabbing Fei Du like he has talons. Immediately, he fingers release, and he jerks his hands away, only to realize that is as bad as digging his nails in!!
SO HE QUICKLY TAKES A HOLD OF ONE OF FEI DU'S HAND IN BOTH HIS OWN LIKE AN IDIOT. LOOK, HE'S SORRY.]
That--that's not fine, Fei Du. [(leon voice) d only full names me when something IS WRONG] But that's okay--to not be fine.
You don't... You...
[HOW DOES HE TELL FEI DU TO STOP DOING SELF THERAPY THIS WAY IT'S AWFUL when he can't control how someone thinks they should have therapy. NOT LIKE THIS.]
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because this isn't really something he's ashamed of. that's a problem, because it's not even remotely healthy behavior. and no, it's not something he really wants people to know about himself, considering he works very, very hard to present a certain kind of mien to the rest of the world, because it's not exactly normal behavior.
but. for fei du, it's worth it. these decisions, the conditioning, were fei du's and fei du's alone. it was his choice to turn his capacity for violence inwards. his choice, to use the tools his father used on him for his own gain - for his own good.
he's not expecting to be grabbed onto, and he's sort of frozen when it ends, but. he looks at d as he snaps out of it, and seems to finally remember to exhale. more startled to be touched than anything else, fei du gently puts one hand over his where he's grabbed on, reassurance. his heart's pounding, but it's fine. ]
- It's fine. [ it is. it could be so much worse. ] ... I suppose that answers your question.
[ about overcoming your nature. ]
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SO HE QUICKLY TAKES A HOLD OF ONE OF FEI DU'S HAND IN BOTH HIS OWN LIKE AN IDIOT. LOOK, HE'S SORRY.]
That--that's not fine, Fei Du. [(leon voice) d only full names me when something IS WRONG] But that's okay--to not be fine.
You don't... You...
[HOW DOES HE TELL FEI DU TO STOP DOING SELF THERAPY THIS WAY IT'S AWFUL when he can't control how someone thinks they should have therapy. NOT LIKE THIS.]