[HE DID!!!! HE FUCKIN HATES IT HERE!!!! THIS IS NOT FINE AT ALL AND THIS PLACE IS A CONTINUATION OF THINGS NOT BEING FINE but here they are, he guesses.
Matsui's eyes close, head bowing, shame and guilt flooding in, ever-familiar as they are. He's always running, and he always chooses to run whenever he can, cowardly thing that he is.]
...If you wish to, then we can. If you don't wish to, then I won't speak of it.
[He tries, at least a little, for the raw feeling left in the center of his chest over everything he'd just witnessed.]
[When he is trying hard to remind himself these are weapons made by man… and yet… and yet,
do they truly deserve his generational ire when, like him, they are their own person now, like this? When they are less sword and more human—and yet how he despises the humanity in them.]
I understand now.
[His hand moves from Matsui’s shoulder to Matsui’s head, resting there.]
We can’t change their destinies, but it is not weak to mourn for our failure to them.
[Matsui is always seeking absolution, notions of piety and reverence and wrath and salvation carved into the very core of his being through the blood he'd spilled. His eyes remain closed, and with D's hand resting on his head, it's very much, for a stutterframe second of a moment, like a snapshot of a heretic's baptism.
The understanding that D holds is not something he's grateful for, because it always harms him, knowing that others can empathize with this type of exquisite pain. Eventually, still speaking soft:]
...I don't understand why it must be this way.
[In his world. In D's world. Why are humans like this in every world, in every era? Everywhere they go, everything they do. He is not D, meant to remain separate, meant to carry the burden of hatred. He was crafted to protect, thrown into the horrors of conscious thought, and yet - despite the difference in their circumstances separating them by miles, it's this single point that they meet at.
Humans, and their endless, cyclical, Sisyphean existence.]
That is just how humans are. And… likely how they will always be if they don’t change.
[He understands Matsui’s frustration. He’s had that frustration for a long time, and he has only been around for maybe twenty or so years—in this life.
To watch then continue to disappoint him when he thought he was beginning to… hope again.
His hand slides down to the back of Matsui’s neck, and the other arm loops around Matsui’s shoulders. He draws Matsui’s head in to hug the other man gently.
There's a little thread of tension, not because of whose embrace it is but because Matsui is always the type of person reluctant to accept any form of comfort or warmth when in the throes that human emotion so often tosses him into.
The apology is met with a soft:] I am, too. [Because what else can they do but feel sorrow and apology for the world as it exists, and for the fact that they're also caught up in its ceaseless grind?
A few seconds pass after that, silent and heavy. Matsui is always in some stage of mourning, but it becomes particularly obvious in times like this, where he lets his head rest against D's shoulder and seems to seep through with that heaviness like an anchor on the sea bed. He's already asked this before, but he asks again.]
[He wonders if he should be repulsed by having to hold the embodiment of a human weapon. For some reason... he's not. Something intrinsically links them somehow at a common crossroads.]
I thought...
[But he trails off and doesn't finish. He thought. Was it a useless hope, to believe that they would? To see the parts of mankind somehow doing better than the rest? It feels like a betrayal... believing in that, believing they could change.]
I don't know, [he finally murmurs.] I suppose that is not up to those like us.
I am sorry they have used you to do terrible things. I could see... it was hard to be unable to stop it.
[D's little Sasuke hands holding a WEAPON OF WAR...
Just the "I thought" says a lot, and he closes his eyes for a moment. There are times like that, when it seems like things may change - but it's been centuries on centuries since Matsui's had such thoughts. Humanity is truly an unchanging thing.
"I don't know" is about the most optimistic take, honestly. He hums, quiet.]
...I suppose not. [Not for a bloody tool, not for a distant shepherd. At the last statement, he shakes his head, lifting it away.]
It is merely the fate I have been bestowed with. These burdens are mine to bear. [He has no love for humans, but he can't hate them, either. It is what it is.] ...I feel as though this is a weight that you understand well, too.
Without complaint, his arms and hands loosen, and he lets Matsui lean back, though one hand doesn't rest idly on Matsui's upper arm. Like he thinks Matsui might keel over like a swooning Victorian maiden.]
I do. It isn't... We should not share in that, but at least... I know someone else who is not me, or my father, or my grandfather does.
Anyway that's fair, Matsui does give off the vibes of a swooning Victorian maiden. It's his waif-like appearance and perpetual paleness, along with the ceaseless air of melancholy.]
...Your father...
[Bro there were
so many issues that that one single memory showed. Matsui's brow furrows very faintly, lips pressing into a thin line.]
[LISTEN HERE!!! Don't call out the issues!! Very funny that Matsui did not get any of the ones explaining anything about the issues.]
Yes.
[Oh boy. His hand lowers to join the other, laced in his lap between them.]
He... [Well, he doesn't want to burden Matsui with more, but he thinks Matsui could do with an explanation. It's already out for others because of these pigs, and... Matsui isn't human at least.] He had been trying to kill all the humans.
[HE REALLY JUST GOT SO MANY ISSUES AND NOTHING ELSE!!!! This is fine.
The explanation is not fine, but also, it's not his world so it doesn't weigh quite as heavily on him. ...Presumably, anyway. Maybe D comes from a time before the wholeass population was [redacted] but who even knows how that happened. The knit at his brow and increase in Melancholy Vibes are about the only things that give away how he feels about this.]
...You had said that it is your duty to shepherd, though. Correct?
[KILLING ALL HUMANS IS ALSO INTERVENING, D'S DAD.]
His smile is very faint. And wry as well. He gazes down at his hands, and then he looks off and away.]
We shepherd the living. But humans... [His eyes lower again.] I'm sorry, Mr. Matsui... It--
[UNFORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE LITTLE PIG RASCALS RACES OUT OF THE SHADOWS FOR THEM because I said so. D isn't sure if these will hurt them like the ones in executions, so he gasps and grabs Matsui's by the shoulders.]
Watch out!
[Two Victorian maidens are tossed over to the side on the ground as the pig oinks by. Matsui can have... TWO MEMORIES. As if he hasn't suffered enough.]
[AAAAAA HE'S TOSSED OVER AS THIS PIG NOISE GOES NYOOMIN LIKE A TYRANT... the way im like i should also hit you with another memory but which memory damb
Anyway, Matsui's once again take out of this reality by a memory he didn't ask for, and it's painful in an entirely different way, and also confusing in a way that's to be expected when cyclical death and rebirth happen like this.
There's something to be said, too, about the weightiness of a ceaseless grudge, the burden of passing down a last moment, the entirety of a people, of multiple species, bearing down on one's back. And yet, even in that moment, even knowing everything, even finding the human race a hopeless and hateful thing - D had still tried to take even one along with him. Had tried to end their most immediate threat of demise.
What a painful thing. Love and hatred, hand in hand.
ONCE AGAIN HE'S JUST FLAT ON HIS BACK FOR A FEW SECONDS, SILENT. Truly he takes some of these memories so hard.]
[We're just trading back and forth horrendous memories, not caring that Matsui and D really shouldn't suffer so much emotional pain.
This time, D simply lies on the ground by Matsui, one arm resting over Matsui's chest and shoulders where he had thrown them aside. This is the WORST, don't just put all of his insecurities and heartaches ON DISPLAY.]
It was annoying.
[He means having his mind palace peeled open for all to see, not what happened. Slowly, he pushes himself up with his other forearm, lifting his head, expression exasperated.]
I could do without this... non-consenting overshare.
[Don't look at him with sad little vampire eyes, hello. I was about to say this isn't Pandora Hearts because I was assigning them all vampires like they're in Seraph of the End.]
There isn't much we can do about it now, so it's fine. I'm sure you have questions regardless.
[He pushes himself up at least to his knees and legs, using a free hand to hold his face. They HAVE A WHOLE WEEK OF THIS. (It's already Thursday...)]
[DON'T JUST MAKE THEM VAMPIRES TOO THEY ALREADY HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS
Love how with the way memshares work it's a weekly effect that happens 90% on Monday and Sunday. Matsui also sits upright, motions delicate. His expression is gently mournful in the thin way it usually is.]
...I do, but... [Even knowing they got here because of PIGS, he doesn't want to press into painful or unpleasant territory.] ...Is that the last thing you recall, before arriving here?
Thinking about how Matsui has been the only one to suffer two memories so far........ very funny. Thinking about how I have a third one that would mess Matsui up too.]
[YOU REALLY SAID MATSUI CAN BE TRAUMATIZED GOING INTO THE NEW WEEK!!!!
They are out here in the middle of the street, full of pain.]
I had... wanted to save him. No, I knew I could. The fall would make him pass out, and I could safely take him to get help which would allow me to leave.
[YEAH YEAH TRAUMA!! ALSO NOT THE CHRISTIAN BROTHERS AAAA.
Matsui does have a weakness to both kids and also people with kid siblings that they have to look out for... For no particular reason....... gets that mem out...]
...But you found yourself here, instead.
[Wow thinking that he'd died in the middle of trying to save that guy must have been a really unpleasant thing to believe!]
[It had been a little unpleasant, yes. He had planned to leave anyway regardless; any connection he had with Leon and Chris should have (and would be) severed. Duty comes first.
There is no room for hope and relations.]
I had assumed we died considering, but... I suppose that is not true.
...No. It seems that the end was not quite in the way that we had thought...
[He can recall asking one of the Reapers earlier if it wasn't a strange thing, for not a single one of them to remember how they died, because most people don't die in highly traumatizing ways. Most are just a little blink of light flashing out in the darkness of sleep.]
...How do you feel about him?
[A man that killed his father (FATHER-SON??) and yet, someone he still wanted to extend the kindness of life toward.]
The question makes his expression turn pensive, bunched in the brows and the thinning of his lips. He turns his head slightly away, and he doesn’t lift his mismatched eyes.]
I’m not sure that matters any longer. I’m here with a slim chance if returning, and what’s more, the detective has his own life to live. I am merely a summer storm passing through; if I did return at all, the shop would be somewhere else entirely.
Matsui watches D as he ponders through these things, quiet. He knows too well how it works - feeling one way, knowing that it hardly matters because of circumstance. Hearts are such a burden.]
Even knowing that it doesn't matter doesn't necessarily make it easier to set aside the things you feel, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Matsui's eyes close, head bowing, shame and guilt flooding in, ever-familiar as they are. He's always running, and he always chooses to run whenever he can, cowardly thing that he is.]
...If you wish to, then we can. If you don't wish to, then I won't speak of it.
[He tries, at least a little, for the raw feeling left in the center of his chest over everything he'd just witnessed.]
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do they truly deserve his generational ire when, like him, they are their own person now, like this? When they are less sword and more human—and yet how he despises the humanity in them.]
I understand now.
[His hand moves from Matsui’s shoulder to Matsui’s head, resting there.]
We can’t change their destinies, but it is not weak to mourn for our failure to them.
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The understanding that D holds is not something he's grateful for, because it always harms him, knowing that others can empathize with this type of exquisite pain. Eventually, still speaking soft:]
...I don't understand why it must be this way.
[In his world. In D's world. Why are humans like this in every world, in every era? Everywhere they go, everything they do. He is not D, meant to remain separate, meant to carry the burden of hatred. He was crafted to protect, thrown into the horrors of conscious thought, and yet - despite the difference in their circumstances separating them by miles, it's this single point that they meet at.
Humans, and their endless, cyclical, Sisyphean existence.]
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[He understands Matsui’s frustration. He’s had that frustration for a long time, and he has only been around for maybe twenty or so years—in this life.
To watch then continue to disappoint him when he thought he was beginning to… hope again.
His hand slides down to the back of Matsui’s neck, and the other arm loops around Matsui’s shoulders. He draws Matsui’s head in to hug the other man gently.
🫂 (nonthreatening)]
I’m sorry, Matsui.
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There's a little thread of tension, not because of whose embrace it is but because Matsui is always the type of person reluctant to accept any form of comfort or warmth when in the throes that human emotion so often tosses him into.
The apology is met with a soft:] I am, too. [Because what else can they do but feel sorrow and apology for the world as it exists, and for the fact that they're also caught up in its ceaseless grind?
A few seconds pass after that, silent and heavy. Matsui is always in some stage of mourning, but it becomes particularly obvious in times like this, where he lets his head rest against D's shoulder and seems to seep through with that heaviness like an anchor on the sea bed. He's already asked this before, but he asks again.]
Do you think they will?
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I thought...
[But he trails off and doesn't finish. He thought. Was it a useless hope, to believe that they would? To see the parts of mankind somehow doing better than the rest? It feels like a betrayal... believing in that, believing they could change.]
I don't know, [he finally murmurs.] I suppose that is not up to those like us.
I am sorry they have used you to do terrible things. I could see... it was hard to be unable to stop it.
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Just the "I thought" says a lot, and he closes his eyes for a moment. There are times like that, when it seems like things may change - but it's been centuries on centuries since Matsui's had such thoughts. Humanity is truly an unchanging thing.
"I don't know" is about the most optimistic take, honestly. He hums, quiet.]
...I suppose not. [Not for a bloody tool, not for a distant shepherd. At the last statement, he shakes his head, lifting it away.]
It is merely the fate I have been bestowed with. These burdens are mine to bear. [He has no love for humans, but he can't hate them, either. It is what it is.] ...I feel as though this is a weight that you understand well, too.
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Without complaint, his arms and hands loosen, and he lets Matsui lean back, though one hand doesn't rest idly on Matsui's upper arm. Like he thinks Matsui might keel over like a swooning Victorian maiden.]
I do. It isn't... We should not share in that, but at least... I know someone else who is not me, or my father, or my grandfather does.
no subject
Anyway that's fair, Matsui does give off the vibes of a swooning Victorian maiden. It's his waif-like appearance and perpetual paleness, along with the ceaseless air of melancholy.]
...Your father...
[Bro there were
so many issues that that one single memory showed. Matsui's brow furrows very faintly, lips pressing into a thin line.]
no subject
Yes.
[Oh boy. His hand lowers to join the other, laced in his lap between them.]
He... [Well, he doesn't want to burden Matsui with more, but he thinks Matsui could do with an explanation. It's already out for others because of these pigs, and... Matsui isn't human at least.] He had been trying to kill all the humans.
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The explanation is not fine, but also, it's not his world so it doesn't weigh quite as heavily on him. ...Presumably, anyway. Maybe D comes from a time before the wholeass population was [redacted] but who even knows how that happened. The knit at his brow and increase in Melancholy Vibes are about the only things that give away how he feels about this.]
...You had said that it is your duty to shepherd, though. Correct?
[KILLING ALL HUMANS IS ALSO INTERVENING, D'S DAD.]
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His smile is very faint. And wry as well. He gazes down at his hands, and then he looks off and away.]
We shepherd the living. But humans... [His eyes lower again.] I'm sorry, Mr. Matsui... It--
[UNFORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE LITTLE PIG RASCALS RACES OUT OF THE SHADOWS FOR THEM because I said so. D isn't sure if these will hurt them like the ones in executions, so he gasps and grabs Matsui's by the shoulders.]
Watch out!
[Two Victorian maidens are tossed over to the side on the ground as the pig oinks by. Matsui can have... TWO MEMORIES. As if he hasn't suffered enough.]
no subject
Anyway, Matsui's once again take out of this reality by a memory he didn't ask for, and it's painful in an entirely different way, and also confusing in a way that's to be expected when cyclical death and rebirth happen like this.
There's something to be said, too, about the weightiness of a ceaseless grudge, the burden of passing down a last moment, the entirety of a people, of multiple species, bearing down on one's back. And yet, even in that moment, even knowing everything, even finding the human race a hopeless and hateful thing - D had still tried to take even one along with him. Had tried to end their most immediate threat of demise.
What a painful thing. Love and hatred, hand in hand.
ONCE AGAIN HE'S JUST FLAT ON HIS BACK FOR A FEW SECONDS, SILENT. Truly he takes some of these memories so hard.]
...That was...
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This time, D simply lies on the ground by Matsui, one arm resting over Matsui's chest and shoulders where he had thrown them aside. This is the WORST, don't just put all of his insecurities and heartaches ON DISPLAY.]
It was annoying.
[He means having his mind palace peeled open for all to see, not what happened. Slowly, he pushes himself up with his other forearm, lifting his head, expression exasperated.]
I could do without this... non-consenting overshare.
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Matsui just continues to lie there after D starts to pick himself back up again, just staring up at him with his sad little vampire eyes.]
...My apologies. [Even if it isn't either of their faults IT STILL FEELS LIKE SOMETHING HE SHOULD SAY...] I won't speak of it, if you don't wish to.
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There isn't much we can do about it now, so it's fine. I'm sure you have questions regardless.
[He pushes himself up at least to his knees and legs, using a free hand to hold his face. They HAVE A WHOLE WEEK OF THIS. (It's already Thursday...)]
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Love how with the way memshares work it's a weekly effect that happens 90% on Monday and Sunday. Matsui also sits upright, motions delicate. His expression is gently mournful in the thin way it usually is.]
...I do, but... [Even knowing they got here because of PIGS, he doesn't want to press into painful or unpleasant territory.] ...Is that the last thing you recall, before arriving here?
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Thinking about how Matsui has been the only one to suffer two memories so far........ very funny. Thinking about how I have a third one that would mess Matsui up too.]
Yes... That was the last thing.
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For now Matsui's just here with this one exhausting memory on top of the other exhausting memory.]
What was it that you had wanted to do, then?
[JUMP AND DIE?? TAKE THAT HUMAN WITH HIM??? He has a feeling that's not it but he also wouldn't be surprised if it was.]
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They are out here in the middle of the street, full of pain.]
I had... wanted to save him. No, I knew I could. The fall would make him pass out, and I could safely take him to get help which would allow me to leave.
He has his brother Chris to return to, after all.
[THINKS ABOUT THE TWO CHRISTIAN BROTHERS]
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Matsui does have a weakness to both kids and also people with kid siblings that they have to look out for... For no particular reason....... gets that mem out...]
...But you found yourself here, instead.
[Wow thinking that he'd died in the middle of trying to save that guy must have been a really unpleasant thing to believe!]
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[It had been a little unpleasant, yes. He had planned to leave anyway regardless; any connection he had with Leon and Chris should have (and would be) severed. Duty comes first.
There is no room for hope and relations.]
I had assumed we died considering, but... I suppose that is not true.
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...No. It seems that the end was not quite in the way that we had thought...
[He can recall asking one of the Reapers earlier if it wasn't a strange thing, for not a single one of them to remember how they died, because most people don't die in highly traumatizing ways. Most are just a little blink of light flashing out in the darkness of sleep.]
...How do you feel about him?
[A man that killed his father (FATHER-SON??) and yet, someone he still wanted to extend the kindness of life toward.]
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The question makes his expression turn pensive, bunched in the brows and the thinning of his lips. He turns his head slightly away, and he doesn’t lift his mismatched eyes.]
I’m not sure that matters any longer. I’m here with a slim chance if returning, and what’s more, the detective has his own life to live. I am merely a summer storm passing through; if I did return at all, the shop would be somewhere else entirely.
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Matsui watches D as he ponders through these things, quiet. He knows too well how it works - feeling one way, knowing that it hardly matters because of circumstance. Hearts are such a burden.]
Even knowing that it doesn't matter doesn't necessarily make it easier to set aside the things you feel, though.