[HOW DID FIVE DAYS GO BY SO QUICKLY BECAUSE OF SHITPOSTING
Genuine Fei Du laugh...........a rarity. Like D's. Awful.]
Yes, I'm sure that will be why he hunts me down, if anything. Much like Mr. Vesca did my father, too. To demand answers of us because he is human, and he doesn't understand. Hopefully, I won't be quite as... maniacal as my father, but who knows.
Maybe it runs in our blood...
[Fei Du, will you continue to overcome your nurturing?]
Maybe it does. [ he smiles a little at that, mouth quirking at the corner. there's something wry about it, as he considers the scope of what he knows of d's life, and of his own. ]
But, it's up to you if you want it to stay that way.
[ and this is the MEMSHARE WEEK THREAD which means, right as fei du says that, the final pig does a lap around the two of them. wow! ]
[ after zhou huaixin is stabbed, repeatedly, in front of you, after you speak with his brother, after you call luo wenzhou and he picks you up, after the entire debacle with him in your house, you finally, finally, get a moment to yourself and your thoughts.
and that's the thing about it - they are your thoughts. they've been drilled into you by the malicious and purposeful actions of your father, who showed his love to you by making sure you were his protege. countless lessons were taught in the basement of the home where your family spent the most of their time. countless images as you sat at a tiny, rosewood desk, and watched your father beat your mother. countless words, as fei chengyu placed a hamster as small as your palm in your tiny, tiny hand, and talked to you about what life and death were really were. countless lessons as he placed a band of iron around your neck, punished your instincts of kindness with the tightening of a band that made you choke. countless lectures on how life and death were yours to control, how they didn't matter, how if people needed to die they just needed to die. how you were going to be his perfect heir, as he tucked your hair behind your ear and you trembled strapped into a chair. a monster well developed.
but the furniture in the basement of the home has been replaced. you still own the childhood house, passed on to you. it's exactly in the condition it was when the woman who lived here died, except for this room.
now that you own it, the basement has been remodeled. in the center of the room is a chair, surrounded by floor to ceiling LED screens. a small computer sits on a table by the chair, and a small refrigerator sits beside it. the room smells faintly, just barely, of blood.
you make your way down the stairs into the basement, and you shut the door behind you. you can still see the images in your head: huaixin, dying in front of you, how you felt for a moment this was just an animal, not a human being. the blood, blood from his stab wound, blood on his shirt, on the ground under his corpse, how sick and nauseous you felt seeing it - but how numb you felt, how you didn't know what the people around you were feeling, how you should feel, the way it felt like you were split in two parts, your father's voice -
"Every moment is death. The only thing that doesn't change is the sack of skin made of carbohydrates. If you feel an emotional connection to the sack of skin, isn't it like anthropomorphizing the pork on your plate? It's a sort of delusional disorder."
that numb emotional disconnect is still there, uncomfortable in your chest, almost too comfortable. you drop into the chair, calmly, and you reach for the leather belts, and tie them. around your arm. around your chest. around your waist. strapping yourself in. you take the electrodes and put them on your chest through your open shirt. you consider the emetics in the fridge, and then decide against it.
(Clinical research says there are several disadvantages to the use of drugs: the cerebral depressant effect may interfere with the patient's ability to form responses)
you reach over your head for the headphones on the edge of the chair, mechanically, and you put them over your head. take a deep breath in the disconnect and lack of emotion. feel the lack of care. feel it pushing at the edges of your definition of self. your hands are shaking again.
you type something one handed onto the little computer and hit a button. the sound of electricity buzzes through the chair around you, and you loll your head to look at the screen, eyes open. you hit play.
the video screens flare to life as the music plays over your headphones - a hysterical scream breaks through the cutting of the music, and the screens flash on in front of you. it's a direct broadcast of a murder, the victim screaming like a dying farm animal as the man killing them stabs into them with a knife - you raise me up so i can stand on mountains -
the minute it appears, you push a button - violently, electricity pulses through your body, sends you jolting and shuddering. again. again, as the video continues - people being beheaded, executed by firing squad - every time you see the image, you electrocute yourself - it hurts, it hurts it hurts - you hate pain and pain is watching other people suffer, pain is knowing that other people hurt, people's lives shouldn't be taken violently and cruelly you won't be a monster, you will do this over and over to yourself until you can't anymore, you will throw up the contents of your stomach at the sight of blood because you won't be what fei chengyu wanted you to be, you won't
( The use of the apparatus follows classical conditioning technique. The stimulus to which aversion is to be produced is presented, and then a shock is administrated. This procedure is repeated throughout the treatment session of 20 to 30 minutes, which can be held up to six times a day. The strength of the shock should be adjusted so that it is as painful as the patient can bear. )
[I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT I WAS GETTING ANOTHER BEATING WHEN I TAGGED THIS BACK HELP MEEE
Unfortunately for D, he is very empathetic, and usually this applies more to animals than humans, but he is also very intuitive with the human spirit, too. He could not be a good pet shop owner if he wasn't.
Nothing has really ever prepared him for the effects of Fei Du's father, though. He has never had behavioral therapy, and he surely has never suffered any electroshock. Something about this a kind of violence even worse than anything a part of the animal kingdom. But maybe they are both violence for survival's sake.
He does not mean to startle Fei Du after such a thing, but he is curling his fingers into the front of Fei Du's clothes when he's flung out, clutching for any scrap of stability.
What do you say after seeing something no one would want you to ever see? The agency is gone now. It's terrible.]
[ you know, comically - fei du's less stressed about this one than the one before.
because this isn't really something he's ashamed of. that's a problem, because it's not even remotely healthy behavior. and no, it's not something he really wants people to know about himself, considering he works very, very hard to present a certain kind of mien to the rest of the world, because it's not exactly normal behavior.
but. for fei du, it's worth it. these decisions, the conditioning, were fei du's and fei du's alone. it was his choice to turn his capacity for violence inwards. his choice, to use the tools his father used on him for his own gain - for his own good.
he's not expecting to be grabbed onto, and he's sort of frozen when it ends, but. he looks at d as he snaps out of it, and seems to finally remember to exhale. more startled to be touched than anything else, fei du gently puts one hand over his where he's grabbed on, reassurance. his heart's pounding, but it's fine. ]
- It's fine. [ it is. it could be so much worse. ] ... I suppose that answers your question.
[As soon as Fei Du's hand moves over his own, he realizes he is grabbing Fei Du like he has talons. Immediately, he fingers release, and he jerks his hands away, only to realize that is as bad as digging his nails in!!
SO HE QUICKLY TAKES A HOLD OF ONE OF FEI DU'S HAND IN BOTH HIS OWN LIKE AN IDIOT. LOOK, HE'S SORRY.]
That--that's not fine, Fei Du. [(leon voice) d only full names me when something IS WRONG] But that's okay--to not be fine.
You don't... You...
[HOW DOES HE TELL FEI DU TO STOP DOING SELF THERAPY THIS WAY IT'S AWFUL when he can't control how someone thinks they should have therapy. NOT LIKE THIS.]
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no subject
Genuine Fei Du laugh...........a rarity. Like D's. Awful.]
Yes, I'm sure that will be why he hunts me down, if anything. Much like Mr. Vesca did my father, too. To demand answers of us because he is human, and he doesn't understand. Hopefully, I won't be quite as... maniacal as my father, but who knows.
Maybe it runs in our blood...
[Fei Du, will you continue to overcome your nurturing?]
1/2... finally
Maybe it does. [ he smiles a little at that, mouth quirking at the corner. there's something wry about it, as he considers the scope of what he knows of d's life, and of his own. ]
But, it's up to you if you want it to stay that way.
[ and this is the MEMSHARE WEEK THREAD which means, right as fei du says that, the final pig does a lap around the two of them. wow! ]
no subject
no subject
Unfortunately for D, he is very empathetic, and usually this applies more to animals than humans, but he is also very intuitive with the human spirit, too. He could not be a good pet shop owner if he wasn't.
Nothing has really ever prepared him for the effects of Fei Du's father, though. He has never had behavioral therapy, and he surely has never suffered any electroshock. Something about this a kind of violence even worse than anything a part of the animal kingdom. But maybe they are both violence for survival's sake.
He does not mean to startle Fei Du after such a thing, but he is curling his fingers into the front of Fei Du's clothes when he's flung out, clutching for any scrap of stability.
What do you say after seeing something no one would want you to ever see? The agency is gone now. It's terrible.]
I'm sorry, Mr. Fei...
no subject
because this isn't really something he's ashamed of. that's a problem, because it's not even remotely healthy behavior. and no, it's not something he really wants people to know about himself, considering he works very, very hard to present a certain kind of mien to the rest of the world, because it's not exactly normal behavior.
but. for fei du, it's worth it. these decisions, the conditioning, were fei du's and fei du's alone. it was his choice to turn his capacity for violence inwards. his choice, to use the tools his father used on him for his own gain - for his own good.
he's not expecting to be grabbed onto, and he's sort of frozen when it ends, but. he looks at d as he snaps out of it, and seems to finally remember to exhale. more startled to be touched than anything else, fei du gently puts one hand over his where he's grabbed on, reassurance. his heart's pounding, but it's fine. ]
- It's fine. [ it is. it could be so much worse. ] ... I suppose that answers your question.
[ about overcoming your nature. ]
no subject
SO HE QUICKLY TAKES A HOLD OF ONE OF FEI DU'S HAND IN BOTH HIS OWN LIKE AN IDIOT. LOOK, HE'S SORRY.]
That--that's not fine, Fei Du. [(leon voice) d only full names me when something IS WRONG] But that's okay--to not be fine.
You don't... You...
[HOW DOES HE TELL FEI DU TO STOP DOING SELF THERAPY THIS WAY IT'S AWFUL when he can't control how someone thinks they should have therapy. NOT LIKE THIS.]