fei du has always considered himself something of a monster. he's spent most of his life trying to overcome the nature that was bred into him, the forcefed cruelty reinforced by fear, by his father's actions and ministrations. for as much as he's learned to analyze and identify every point of action in his brain, every thought, every emotion, they're still foreign to him, and this is no different. in so many ways, he is still the fifteen year old who found his mother's corpse; he is still the adult who sometimes lives in a home like a mausoleum, every piece of furniture still exactly the same it was the day she died.
so to be told he's human because he's grieving is almost shocking.
d is allowed to come close to him. he's allowed to touch him, even. up this close, when he touches him, he'll find that fei du almost flinches at the touch, and maybe more so, he is trembling, and violently, shaking like a leaf. his mouth opens, closes. ]
I -
[ I don't want it. at first, but that's not true. of course he does. he wants it more than anything. the tears keep coming, like they've been held back for years, because they have been. slowly, the static in his brain starts to fizzle.
fei du shudders. like this, he's not the sometimes silly, playful, social president fei, or even the sometimes scary sociopathic ceo who talks about strangulation and murder like he enjoys it, who claims to love pain and acts like a sadist, who tries to turn people against him because he knows he makes a good villain. no. fei du is a terrified, miserable child who puts claw marks in everything he's ever loved because he's so desperately afraid it's going to leave him again.
he tilts his head forward. just slightly. just enough to press into the touch, and doesn't move. ]
no subject
fei du has always considered himself something of a monster. he's spent most of his life trying to overcome the nature that was bred into him, the forcefed cruelty reinforced by fear, by his father's actions and ministrations. for as much as he's learned to analyze and identify every point of action in his brain, every thought, every emotion, they're still foreign to him, and this is no different. in so many ways, he is still the fifteen year old who found his mother's corpse; he is still the adult who sometimes lives in a home like a mausoleum, every piece of furniture still exactly the same it was the day she died.
so to be told he's human because he's grieving is almost shocking.
d is allowed to come close to him. he's allowed to touch him, even. up this close, when he touches him, he'll find that fei du almost flinches at the touch, and maybe more so, he is trembling, and violently, shaking like a leaf. his mouth opens, closes. ]
I -
[ I don't want it. at first, but that's not true. of course he does. he wants it more than anything. the tears keep coming, like they've been held back for years, because they have been. slowly, the static in his brain starts to fizzle.
fei du shudders. like this, he's not the sometimes silly, playful, social president fei, or even the sometimes scary sociopathic ceo who talks about strangulation and murder like he enjoys it, who claims to love pain and acts like a sadist, who tries to turn people against him because he knows he makes a good villain. no. fei du is a terrified, miserable child who puts claw marks in everything he's ever loved because he's so desperately afraid it's going to leave him again.
he tilts his head forward. just slightly. just enough to press into the touch, and doesn't move. ]